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April 08, 2010

The Most Cussing You Will Ever Read From Me.

 

I apologize up front.

I have already told everyone that I am not a cusser.

Most of these were not MY cuss words…but were cuss words thrown AT me.

So…. yesterday I was trying to do some bank business.

Our bank has a small and awkward parking lot. It only has about 15 spots. 

I pull in and there is not a spot to be found.

But, what I did find was some obnoxious arrogant idiot who parked their convertible Mercedes in THREE spots.  THREE. 

This irritates me to my core.

I had to maneuver around the lot…avoiding people trying to get to the drive thru and passing thru…me waiting for a spot to open up.

Finally I got a spot and as I am backing into it, I see this severely skinny, janky looking woman exiting the bank. She looked like she had not enjoyed a meal or a shower in weeks.

I think to myself: “that can’t be her Mercedes, there is no way in heck ”

She appeared to be a party-all-night type girl.

But you know, it isn't nice to judge.  BUT we will do THAT judging in a minute….

Remember how I said I was going to start losing my filter?

Yesterday was step one. I am a non confrontational person..this was a huge step for me.

I got out of my car, heading to the bank, but I made a detour towards the rude parker.

I said to her: “Hey, you park like an idiot”

That was all it took to unleash the meth/crack/crazy woman.

She looked at me with crazy eyes and screamed at me: “What are you the bank parking police?”

Her comeback was pretty funny, and I almost said yes, but I did not have my bank parking police credentials on hand to back it up.

I said: “I am SOMEONE who is trying to park at the bank!”

Apparently the truth makes meth/crack/crazy woman very angry.

She then screamed at me F bombs B bombs and a C bomb.

Don’t you know, one of those F bombs actually hurt me.

Yes, she called me fat.

I was flabbergasted.

I said: “have a nice day crack wh*re” And headed inside.

She was still throwing the F-bombs at me…loudly. 

Apparently, she LIKES confrontation…and yelling in public.

 

Normally I wish for people like this to have lifelong cold sores, but someone beat me to the punch.

I then wished I had some super powers to make all her tires fall off her car and land on her big mouth  right then and there, but apparently I couldn’t make it happen. 

 

Cut to 5 minutes later.

I am inside the bank, talking to my teller guy. And I sense something coming into the building…it feels like, it feels like evil.

It feels like crack wh*re.

I turn around and there she is. My new parking lot potty mouth friend.

uggghhhhh. I thought, the crazy woman has come for me. She wants me to teach her to park and to feed her and to wash her hair for her…NOOOoooooooo

But here is where my superpowers DID come in. This little nugget made my WHOLE day.

She loudly asks everyone in the bank:

“Has anyone seen a set of car keys? I lost my keys!”

Yes. Yes. Yes. Karma strikes again. My day was complete.

I could not make this up. Just perfect.

 

 

cart-head

Thinking of ordering some of these bumper stickers for times like this…how appropriate.

Don’t you think Idiots need a sign telling them they are idiots?

33 comments:

  1. Suz: I can't believe you decided to take the filters off for the first time to go head to head with a skanky crack whore! Are you crazy? Next time you decide to be confrontational at least pick on somebody who isn't likely to murder you. LOL
    Bank parking police! hehehe You shoulda had your badge on you.
    Be More CAREFUL!
    :-))

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  2. oh i can just see you, armed with your parking lot police credentials, sticking those bumper stickers on cars that have "crossed the line!" you definitley need a cute hat for your uniform...

    and ummm... seriously? you coulda gotten hurt. or dead. so be careful!!

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  3. "Have a nice day crack whore" has me laughing all over the place here!

    May I quote you?

    She was very much a C U Next Tuesday gal.....yes indeed.

    I like it when you begin to lose your filter.


    I'm STILL laughing!

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  4. As Bill Engvall says: "Here's your sign"! I love that you said something to her...I have wanted so many times to say something to somebody who parks like that. Who do they think they are? But, I'm not a confrontational person, either. The person who came out looking bad in this situation her her,not you! GOOD FOR YOU!

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  5. What a great ending!!! I loved it. I once called out and then followed a woman pulling out of a parking space. She had left her purse on the top of her very expensive car. As I tried to get her attention she finally stopped and got out, yelling all sorts of profanities at me. Finally she spewed, "Do you have a problem?" I calmly responded, "No, but you might. Your purse is on top of your car."

    She picked up her purse and got in the car, slamming the door. No apology and no thank you.

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  6. "Who are you the police?"
    "No, I am SOMEONE..." What a comeback Suz a roni : )
    Oh my goodness this made me laugh and laugh! : ) You make me laugh. I wonder if she ever found them. I had to park bad the other night at the grocery store because the car next to me had parked bad but when I came out of the store it was gone and I just knew people probably thought I was some jerk taking up too much space...

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  7. It feels so good to go filter-less, doesn't it???
    Priceless that the idiot lost her keys!

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  8. Holy moly, Suzy!!!!

    I see you were channeling a little of my Englewood Super Powers. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

    I always want to call the police on assbags like this, hoping they'll be issued a ticket. But, I never call, cuz 1)the police probably can't actually write tickets for that and 2) I don't want to be the crazy lady who called about an assbag parker!

    In my head, though, I always key their car from bumper to bumper! ;-)

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  9. "Normally I wish for people like this to have lifelong cold sores, but someone beat me to the punch."

    Best.Line.Ever!!!!!

    Oh my gosh, I laughed so hard! And I'm proud of you for letting her know how you feel - you are a braver woman than moi :)

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  10. makes you wonder who she did to get the mercedes, tiger or jesse james!!

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  11. I regret you had to be put in this kind of situation. It is a terrible thing, but the world if full of people just like her or worse. I get frustrated, but tend to ignore them as I do not want to be seen talking to people like that. I hope she could not find her keys.

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  12. hehehe i luv it!!! good for you - although it would be hard down here in texas - cuz everyone parks like that everywhere - even at church on sunday mornings....so far i've resisted the urge ----to park like that .....lol

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  13. Best post ever!

    I know that its not a typical suz post, but this is something that would make me mad, and it made me laugh soooo hard!

    Just to think of you calling someone a crack whore made me tear up! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

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  14. Love, love, love it!!!

    You need to buy a badge so you can flip it out at appropriate times. Why yes I am the ___ ____ ___ police!

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  15. oh, that was me Suz, when I saw her yelling at you and waving her keys around? I saw her drop them and I accidentally pushed them down the sewer. I hear there are alligators in Florida sewers... ;) You're my hero of the day sweetie, keeping your cool :)

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  16. OMG...that is hysterical! Kudos to you! The fact that she lost her keys is toooo much.
    I want to order business cards that I can leave on the windshields of cars that say things like "Nice parking job A-hle", etc...maybe I can start an internet business making them.

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  17. LOL I love you without a filter! (okay so I love you anyway) But stands and applauds for you the new parking police! LOL

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  18. I think this needs to be published. Would your paper accept it as an op ed? They should. It's brilliant writing!

    Seriously, I'm so glad you're still alive.

    Sincerely,
    Still heavily filtered and hating it

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  19. how freekin funny is this! see, you have SO much humor inside, i think you need to keep the filter off more often. this was perfect.

    ya gotta be careful with those crack whores... she coulda had a gun...

    i am so proud of you!

    ps

    i erm, saw ya hon, drop her keys down the sewer grate... but i wont tell anyone. it'll be our lil secret, k?

    without stupid people, what would the world be like... and i want me one a doze bumper stickers...

    karma. gotta love it.

    c

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  20. I love it!!! You probably need to be careful, but things certainly get interesting when you start to lose your filter. The only problem with the lost keys is that she's still using those three parking spots while she looks for them.

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  21. WOW! I can't believe you said something to her! I would have just given her some face.
    I guess you got out of there before she found her keys and used them on your car!

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  22. I am always way too chicken to say the stuff I think in situations like that. My first thought is that I don't want to get my head blown off for a smarty remark. LOL So be careful. And I'll try to be more careful parking my van. I've never gotten the hang of parking it completely. I do a lot of checking out the door to see where my van aligns with 'the lines' and hoping for the best. I'll try harder.. just for you! :)

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  23. I wish I could have been there! One of these days I'm going to go off on the idiots that park at the post office. But, I will probably get shot...

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  24. Oh how funny (NOT funny).... But--I am glad that the IDIOT didn't wait for you outside with a GUN.....

    I'm not a confrontational person either---but when it comes to driving, I AM.... One time someone cut in front of me --and I blew my horn. WELL---the guy started swearing and pointing his finger ---and almost stopped to get out of his car. I thought I was a DEAD person!!!! He was ANGRY.... Can I say ANGRY--really scary. I finally got around him and luckily, he didn't follow me. But--I am careful now NOT to blow my horn at idiots.... There are nutcases out there!!!!

    Funny though that the IDIOT lost her keys.....

    Hugs,
    Betsy

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  25. OH dear LORD! You showed restraint woman - I would have slugged her!

    OK maybe just in my mind, but...

    *shakes fist at crack wh*re*

    I hope she found her keys at the bottom of a crusty, Trainspotting toilet.

    Oh man. Where are the baseball bats when you need 'em...

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  26. I LOVE IT. GOOD FOR YOU!!!

    Not long after my mom died, my brother met a crackwhore of his own in -- of all places -- the mental ward of a hospital. I KID YOU NOT.

    He brought her home, and she attacked him and called the police. He went to jail. She stayed in my mom's house (now his) and was in the process of stealing thing like my grandmother's antique dresser and birth certificates and social security numbers. A CLASS ACT, let me tell you.

    Anyway, long story longer, we had a little run-in (and I'm as non-confrontational as they come, under normal circumstances), and she answered the door one day wearing a super short mini and thigh-high boots. I said, "Oh, I'm so sorry; am I keeping you from your job on the street corner?"

    Felt great to throw that one at her. She was just trash, inside and out.

    Hey, wait. Maybe she moved to Florida... ???

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  27. Holy moley. What a horrid experience. Don't cha just want to clobber people like that?? And when they start throwing nasty word bombs at you...Oh man that stinks.I'm not big on confrontation myself so I feel for you!

    I haven't had a head on like that in a few years, but this does call to mind an awful, janky guy that started hollering at me to pick up BabyRocketDog's pooh 2 years ago, when I had full intentions to do so.I was just heading to my car to get a bag. He then started calling Baby names!! I was so shocked and upset that he'd call my sweet little puppy a f**n,skinny,sick dog (which she wasn't!)that I told him to get back under the rock he crawled out from under. He followed me to my car shouting at me the whole time and I was actually shaking. Then he followed me to where I picked up Baby's pooh. Yikes I was scared. As soon as I got home I called Patrick & said THIS is why I hate the city. People are nuts. Pat went over to the park when he got home to look for the guy and a few people there said they knew who this person was and that he was really certifiable and was stalking a woman who walked her dog there. I didn't go back to that park after that. I'm a wuss.

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  28. This is hysterical! You have done your grandmother PROUD! I think you have now EARNED your title as the Filter-less Matriarch of the Family! :)

    This is definitely the funniest post I've read in a long, long time....

    And I do think you need a little plastic sherrif's badget to carry with you so you can WHIP IT OUT at moments like this. "Why yes, I AM the bank parking lot police, you skankety skank." Hysterical.

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  29. I know...I shouldn't be laughing, but I am. I'm laughing hysterically!

    This would be even better if you looked down and saw her keys right there next to your purse. You would have had sooo many options.

    I can make that bumper sticker.

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  30. Hahahah! A long time ago in a world far far away....well not exactly so, but in 2002 when my daughter was dx with cancer, we had many bad days and we operated on no sleep and we became extra agitated by idiots like the parking crack ho...but we didn't want to wish evil on them so we made it a game....at dinner each night we would nominate a "Dick of the Day." We got the idea from a bumper sticker that said, "DON'T BE A DICK!" So we would go over the Dicks in our day and then nominate a winner. We would always have someone who would take the cake and end up being Dick of the Week and eventually Dick of the Year...and ultimately Dick of the Decade. Now that is a perfect ending for the fowl-mouthed crack Ho....and I'll bet the teller has her keys behind the counter since she treated him so poorly! HAHAHAHA!

    lMnop

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  31. Um, I am getting WAY MORE enjoyment out of this little karma story than I know I should.

    Team Busy Bee!!

    Also, hahahaha!

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