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May 12, 2009

Wishes Won't Wash Dishes.

That is one of my all time favorite phrases. It is the plain truth.

You know what else is true? Wishes won't make someone gay either.....

The results of my massage this past Friday: Ugghhhh.

Have you ever had a massage by a man?

A man that you did not exchange vows with? Or a man that didn’t at least buy you dinner first?

Strange.

Don't count your significant other, even if you had to pay them for the massage.

Very strange.

I was shocked when I walked into the salon and my masseuse came out with a beard. Not that kind of beard either. The kind that grows on a man's face.

I was expecting Roberta and I got Robert.

After he had me strip down to my birthday suit (not on my birthday either, of course he left the room while I did my stripping)….He informed me that he liked to really work the glutes, abs and pecs.

I laughed and told him he should not assume that everyone has glutes, abs or pecs.

I tried to convince myself that he was gay the entire time, even though his wife told me he was not.

As I had my massage, and as I was still convincing myself he was gay…so gay in fact that I swear I saw his G.L.A.D.D. membership card on the table in the massage room. Really, I could see it next to his Barbra Streisand CD along with his signed picture of Barry Manilow. (I am not a fanilow. Are you?)

I was a bit uncomfortable to say the least. But I kept chanting in my head: “He is gay. He is gay. He is gay”

I did finally relax after I convinced myself that none of my parts were going to fall out and expose me. I don't care if a gay man sees my parts. I don't think he will judge. Will he? Nahhhh.

Next time, I will request a female, who will certainly not be gay.

32 comments:

  1. Wait-- pecs??? Abs?? Weird! I've never had a masseuse that did those things. Or even asked to.

    I had a male masseuse I went to-- I really liked him because his hands were bigger and stronger. And he had a beard too! I have no idea if we was gay, I just knew he was good at giving massages.

    I only had him work on my glutes after I ran the marathon-- I was so sore there, it was medicinal. Other than that, it was always back, arms, legs, hands/feet, head only.

    Hot stone massages are my weakness, I love them.

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  2. Gay or not...I get a bit uncomfortable...but I think a good massage is worth a little unease at times.
    sandy toe

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  3. Would Coach be willing to go to the "school of medical massage"? Tell him you'll pay him for it!!! LOL

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  4. You have me laughing again this morning!

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  5. If he is focusing on your glutes, abs and pecs... does that mean this was a face up massage? In which case... dude wasn't gay. And probably wasn't a masseuse either.

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  6. I have never had a massage... just think the whole thing would be too weird. I felt strange when I had PT after I broke my foot and the therapist had to massage my whole leg. But I have to admit it felt really good and I was jealous of his wife. LOL

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  7. Suz - you are such a hoot!!!! Well??? How was the massage? I usually fall asleep during mine... until 1 of the "terrorists" goes for the deep massage and rubs what muscle is left into submission... I've had both male and female and prefer the female...
    AND NO, not a fanilow....

    Keep smiling Suz!

    Jerry in Tampa

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  8. Lucky girl!!
    I love getting full body massages, and I would rather have a man than a woman give me one.

    I leave my panties on. Not that it would matter to him, but I just do.

    Whether he's gay or not has never entered my mind, but if it were a woman it definitely would...especially if she had a beard.

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  9. I am a massage nut but even I would've run from the guy with the beard! But then again one time I had a "butchy" Female that was too focused on my glutes... I had to tell her - hey, let's get to the hot rocks! LOL!

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  10. oh my...
    i'm not a big fan of massages... and you just gave me one more thing to add to the list of why i might not want one- a man massuese! i would have run right out (before stripping!) i have heard that chanting is quite relaxing... i suppose it depends what you are chanting though!

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  11. Ha Ha! I prefer female massage therapists as well. Although once when I got a massage in Cancun while on vacation, the lady massaged my stomach. As long as she stayed there, I was ok. If she started moving north or south, I was going to have to say something. Yikes!

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  12. I'm a Fanilow.

    If loving Barry is wrong, then I don't want to be right!

    If a bearded man wanted to play with my pecs and glutes...

    Umm...yeah...thinking he really wasn't THAT gay...

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  13. Last year I went to phyical therapy and a masseuse twice a week. The guy ( masseuse) was not gay. I dreaded everyday I had to go! I don't ever want to do that again.

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  14. The ab thing is throwing me.

    Now that you mention it, I've only had a female masseuse. I'll stick with that.

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  15. that is too good bee... but shouldn't you be happy ANY man would touch you, gay or straight?... oh maybe i shouldn't of told that joke you don't know me well enough to know i am totally teasing... he he....

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  16. How do you massage your abs? Hmmm...?? Haha...I had a guy once and never again...he was a very nice man, but I kind of felt creeped out.

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  17. NOT a fanilow.

    Never had a massage.

    But I do live next door to a "licensed massage therapist."

    Some social lines just shouldn't be crossed.

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  18. Suz, I swear that you and I are related, somehow.
    This happened to me ONCE, and NEVER, EVER again, I tell you! I didn't have the presence of mind to pretend he was gay (wish I had thought of that!); I spent the entire "relaxing" massage in intense fear that he was going to jump me, at some point. Crazy, I know, but I HAVE MY REASONS...anyway, I always specify female-only, and have actually refused to cooperate when there was a mix-up on this. NOT.NEGOTIABLE. No one locks me up alone in a windowless room, naked, with a strange man, no way, no how!
    I hope you have a relaxing day today! Hugs to you.

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  19. Hi Suz, It's so much fun to catch up on your blogs. Yours are always so interesting.. Love the one about ice cream. I'm a nut about ice cream and peanut butter also... I could eat 'the whole thing'... ha

    You have really been working in your yard... It looks so pretty.. Give us the 'grand' tour when you can!!!!

    I also can hear anything in the middle of the night--when George just sleeps right through it...

    Sounds like you had a great week.
    Hugs,
    Betsy

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  20. I'm going to use the dishes line. I confess, I do leave a dish or two (or seven) in the sink at times, and Ed always sighs, "Honey, I wish you wouldn't leave your dishes in the sink. Why can't you just do them?" Next time, I'm going to word slap him with Wishes Won't Wash Dishes! LOL!

    I love very deep massages, and sometimes a woman just doesn't have the strength to accomplish it. I've had 1 guy as a masseuse and he rocked. However, after that 1 guy, I never went back to a man simply because even though the massage rocked, I just couldn't relax! I'm with Karen, I didn't want to be locked up in a room with him.

    Grandma J's comment is a HILARIOUS HOOT!

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  21. Oh man, that would be sooo weird!

    And what kind of wife would want their husband rubbing naked women all day?

    Even if he was gay, I bet you could've turned him straight!

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  22. Pecs and Abs? Yikes! I would take a pass! Hope you managed to relax a wee bit!

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  23. I go for a massage every two weeks. It helps control my migraines. I happen to have a female therapist at the moment, but have had male therapists in the past. I can't decide which I prefer. Men tend to be a little stronger and therefore can really work out a tight muscle. But I've never had a male therapist do the glutes. Only the female. And by gawd that is the best feeling in the world. You just don't realize how much your butt aches at the end of the day.

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  24. Hmmmm, my OB/GYN is a female AND I swear to you that she is gay; has a life partner and they have scientific babies together! However, I love her - NO, not that way! She has a great sense of humor, is so down to earth, and never makes me feel as if I'm anything other than part of her job . . .wait, is that a good thing???

    I'm having a giveaway over at my blog, but hurry winner will be announced tomorrow!!

    http://lifeloveladybugs.blogspot.com

    P.S. Love your blog's layout!

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  25. Yeah it's a bit strange, eh? I wouldn't be able to relax with nothing but a towel on like that, LOL! You're a brave woman... was the massage good? :-)

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  26. i love massages! i don't treat myself as often as i'd like. i have had both, men and women. i don't really have a problem with either. men are stronger, which is better to get those knots out. but when i do get a male, i don't feel so naked if i leave my panties on. and getting your gluts and pecs (not your breasts) worked on is wonderful. but, i don't think i've ever had my abs massaged.
    love reading your blog, you're a crack up.

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  27. Well, was it good? My mom refuses to get a massage. I think it would be good for her because she has a lot of stress : ) If she had a male massuese she would DIE. And she would double, triple, quadruple die if he was gay!

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  28. You are sweetly crazy and I love that. I've only ever had men do it, but they always avoid those three areas. And when they ask me what I want? it's feet and lower backs people.

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  29. I've never had a massage...unless dreaming about Johnny Depp giving me one counts.

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  30. Your blogs are never dull! I'm glad you finished up the yard work and had the opportunity to relax(?).

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  31. I have to have a woman. I like to get totally "nekkid" and ALSO totally relaxed, and I just couldn't do that with a guy with a beard, whether or not he was gay.

    "The penis would come between us". :)

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  32. I love massages. It has been ages since I had one...well, other than what my husband gives me once in awhile...anyways, I do love them and don't really care if it's a man or a woman...but would prefer a man...not sure why?

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